


it takes a lifetime

by wafflesofdoom



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Canon Bisexual Character, Established Relationship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-24 09:04:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10738518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: it takes a lot more than a marriage and love to unlearn all the things the world had taught robert he had to be ashamed of.or, robert’s internalised homophobia rears it’s ugly head.





	it takes a lifetime

**Author's Note:**

> for anna, who originally prompted this on tumblr!

Robert woke up that morning with a familiar ache in his chest, a familiar clench of fear that seemed to sink into every inch of his body, every muscle, every thought. He woke up, Aaron curled up next to him looking peaceful, and happy, and totally at ease, and it made Robert feel like he wanted to claw at his skin, an anxious feeling bubbling in his stomach.

Easing himself out of bed, Robert padded across the bedroom, closing the bathroom door behind him. He switched on the shower, sitting on the edge of the bath as he waited for the water to heat up.

Robert didn’t really know why he still felt like this sometimes. He’d been in a relationship with Aaron for close to two years now, and married for one of those years, and yet somehow, for some inexplicable reason, he sometimes still woke up feeling uncomfortable in his own skin.

Trying to shake off his thoughts, Robert stripped off his pyjamas, stuffing them into the laundry hamper that stood by their sink.

Their _home_. They’d been living in the Mill for close to eight months now, and it really felt like a home, mementos and proof of the life they’d built together everywhere, Aaron’s shampoo standing next to his in the shower rack.

It was all so _normal_.

It was normal because it was normal, Robert told himself, letting out a sigh of relief as he stepped under the boiling hot shower spray, hoping the water would wash away the queasy feeling he’d woken up with that morning.

He’d be fine if he just walked it off, Robert decided, going through his usual morning shower routine quickly. It was funny, the stark differences between the two of them - Aaron savoured every minute he got in bed in the morning, preferring to shower in the evening time when he came in from work, and Robert was more of a morning person, enjoying how a shower would wake him up before work, before he had to face the day.

Funny, small little differences between them, just like **every** other couple.

Robert dressed himself quickly, enjoying the feeling of going through the motions as he tucked his shirt into his trousers, buckling his belt tightly. He always took pride in how he looked, always liked how smart and professional he looked when he made the effort, deciding on a maroon coloured tie and a favourite blazer of his that morning.

It’s not as though he had anything special on, just a few meetings and a day in the portacabin, but Robert always felt better when he dressed up a bit. Maybe it was silly, maybe it was entirely vain of him, but as he headed downstairs to start on breakfast, he caught a glimpse of himself in the upstairs landing mirror, and a part of Robert felt more settled.

Felt more like his old self. Robert didn’t miss much of the man he used to be, but he sometimes missed the confidence he had so easily felt, all the time.

Still, he was better now. Better, happier, Robert thought to himself as he made a cup of coffee, the overly expensive coffee machine Aaron had raised an eyebrow at whirling to life, filling the quiet downstairs of the house with noise.

Happier, definitely happier.

The coffee was bitter and too hot as Robert gulped it down, the liquid burning at his insides. He should probably eat, too, but one glance at their cereal selection didn’t give him much of an inclination to eat.

He’d go to the cafe, later, if he got hungry. Robert scooped up his wallet and car keys, covering the speaker on the alarm so he could turn off the house alarm without waking Liv or Aaron up, the tinny voice that called out the alarm was off unbearably loud when the flat was this silent.

The fresh air felt like a relief as Robert stepped outside, sliding behind the wheel of his car.

His car.

He always felt better when he got behind the wheel of his car, windows down and the familiar hum of his engine the only company on the quiet road between their home and the scrapyard, the village quiet.

It was only half seven, after all.

Robert didn’t feel completely settled until he was behind his desk, immersed in the paperwork he needed to catch up on after a long weekend spent with Aaron, and Liv, with the Dingles, Aaron’s madcap family invading their garden for the first barbecue of the year, Victoria providing a small mountain of cakes and salads for the boisterous party.

Robert smiled to himself. That had been a good weekend, hadn’t it? A weekend spent with his family, enjoying the beginnings of the Yorkshire summer. Shaking his head again, trying to shake the thoughts from his mind as he turned his attention to the paperwork.

He must have been at it for hours, but the portacabin door opened around nine, Aaron arriving in, Adam in tow, and a bag from the cafe in hand. “Morning,” Aaron greeted with a smile, setting a cup of coffee down in front of Robert. “You were gone early this morning?”

“Mm, I had an early conference call, client in Germany,” Robert lied easily, taking a sip of the coffee. Americano, two sugars, his usual early morning coffee order, the perfect amount of sweet and bitter, the caffeine loosening out his system, making him feel more awake.

“It go alright?” Aaron inquired, setting one of the bagels he’d clearly bought on his way in down in front of Robert, Adam slumping into Aaron’s desk chair, munching on his own breakfast.

They were always slow to start, after a bank holiday weekend.

Robert nodded. “Ta for the breakfast,” he said quietly, realising now just how hungry he actually was.

“Noticed ya didn’t have anything,” Aaron shrugged, sitting on the edge of Robert’s desk as he ate. It was something Aaron had done a thousand times before, but Robert felt his heart start to race as Aaron bumped a knee against Robert’s, oblivious to Robert’s mounting panic as he told him some funny story about Brenda and the gossip she’d been spreading that morning.

He’d laugh, normally, but Robert felt strangely on edge, turned off his bagel almost instantly.

Aaron finished his breakfast, crumpling up the wrapping and tossing it at Adam’s head before he turned his attention to Robert, leaning in to kiss Robert just as Jimmy arrived to the portacabin, Nicola in tow that morning.

Robert kissed him back for a second before his nervousness turned to blind panic, his stomach churning as he scraped back his chair suddenly, scrambling for his keys. “I’ve got to go,” he said, his heart racing as he made for the door, only half aware of Aaron’s concerned call of his name.

He couldn’t get his hands to work, dropping his keys once, twice as he tried to unlock his car.

“Robert, what’s wrong with you?”

Aaron was there, beside him, concerned hands on Robert’s shoulders, and all Robert wanted to do was cry, cry because he should feel normal, but his heart was beating out of his chest and he wanted to be sick.

“I don’t - I don’t know,” Robert managed to sob out, tears rolling down his cheeks. “I can’t breathe, Aaron.”

“Hey, it’s alright,” Aaron shook his head, guiding Robert to a heap of old scrap, forcing him to sit down. “Just, in and out, okay? Deep breaths, you’re fine. You’re fine, I promise ya.”

Robert felt his panic start to subside as he listened to Aaron’s words, the sick, nervous feeling in his stomach still there, still making Robert want to claw at his skin, anything if it would make the feeling go away.

“What happened?” Aaron asked softly, in that gentle, kind way they’d both learned to speak in after months of therapy, months of marriage counselling. Talking things out, doing what they’d never been good at.

Robert didn’t know how to explain it. “I woke up this morning, and I just…. I didn’t feel right.”

“Are you sick?” Aaron was concerned, a palm against Robert’s forehead, the gesture so soft and domestic it practically _hurt_. “You didn’t eat your breakfast.”

“It was you kissing me.”

Aaron looked confused. “My breath that bad?” he tried to joke, hurt and confusion evident in his voice.

“I don’t know how to explain this.”

“Just try, eh?” Aaron nudged, clearly wanting to understand, wanting to help.

“It doesn’t feel normal,” Robert managed to get the words out, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks. “I’m okay with it all now, I swear I am, but I just… Sometimes, it all feels like a bit much, you know?”

“Being with me?”

“Being with a man.” Robert choked out, hating the way Aaron’s face fell as he managed to say the words aloud for the first time. “I don’t know how to deal with it sometimes, I’m sorry. You’ve been out for so long, you know? And this is still new to me.”

Aaron’s hurt look turned sympathetic, and he sat down next to Robert, nudging him with an elbow. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

Robert rubbed a frustrated hand across his face, wiping at his tears. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” he admitted.

“I get it, you know.” Aaron said, after a few minutes silence. “Maybe not the being bisexual bit, but I get how it feels to be ashamed of being with another man, letting a man kiss you right in front of everyone you know.”

“I’m not ashamed of you.”

“But the world taught you that you should be ashamed of it, right?” Aaron said, sounding so wise, so knowledgable, sounding like someone who’d gone through more than his fair share in twenty six years.

Robert let out a sad sigh, nodding.

“Your dad made you think you should be ashamed of it,” Aaron continued, giving Robert a knowing look.

Robert thought of Jack, thought of the terrified fifteen year old he’d been, thought of how it had felt to understand who he was, for a split second, before he learned he had to hide it, bury it.

“Yeah,” Robert managed to say, his voice thick with tears. “Yeah, he did, I guess.”

“It’s hard.” Aaron said simply, giving Robert a sincere look. “I get it, Robert, it’s hard to get to a place where this all feels normal, but it will, I promise ya.”

“Does it feel normal to you?”

“Most normal thing in the world,” Aaron confirmed, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. “I thought once, that’d I’d never be able to do it, walk down the street and hold hands with someone, kiss a fella in the middle of the village. But something just clicks one day, I guess.”

“You make it sound so easy.” Robert said quietly, that inherent feeling of pride he felt every time Aaron spoke about what he’d gone through, what he’d had to deal with to come to terms with being gay, how much he’d have to overcome.

“It’s not.” Aaron ducked his head, tucking his chin into his chest, the wind rising up around them. It might be early summer, but the weather hadn’t exactly gotten too warm just yet. “Easier if you talk to me about it, though.”

Robert nodded slowly, the queasy, tense feeling in his stomach easing slightly as he listened to his husband speak, really listened to him. Aaron always knew what to say, somehow.

“Is a hug off the cards then?” Aaron nudged, giving him a bright, easy smile.

Robert laughed, the first genuine happy moment he’d had all morning. “I’d like a hug,” he admitted, Aaron only talking a split second to react, pulling Robert into his chest, hugging him tightly, his chin on top of Robert’s head.

“This stuff is hard, yeah? Just, talk to me about it,” Aaron murmured, holding him close.

Robert nodded, letting his eyes close as Aaron hugged him, the tension leaving his body. This sort of thing was hard, he’d spent fifteen years denying his sexuality, of course it was going to be bloody hard.

But maybe it didn’t have to be hard forever.

Maybe one day, Robert would never have one of those mornings where he woke up and didn’t feel comfortable in his own skin, didn’t feel uncomfortable with who he was, with who he loved.

Maybe he just had a few things to unlearn first.  

**Author's Note:**

> i could write a dissertation on robert and his sexuality, i really could. i hope you enjoyed, and i'm capseycartwright on tumblr if you fancy a chat (or if you ever have a prompt you want to send me!)


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